So, it finally happened. I decided to try a menstrual cup.
I can hardly believe it took me this long to give one a go, but when my good friend from Organika Noosa asked me about them and I said I’d never tried it, she immediately sent me one to trial.
My mate chose model 2, which is for women over 30 that have given birth. I was tempted to tell her it was no hot dog down a hallway situation despite spitting out two Womb Raiders, but I settled on her expert advice.
“YOU NEED E.T. FINGERS TO GET THIS THING OUT”
My first impressions were how nice the packaging was. A neat little box made from recycled cardboard (of course) containing a satin drawstring pouch that didn’t look unlike my school formal handbag from 1996.
My second impression was how firm it felt. It wasn’t very “squishy” and took quite a force to bend it into the shape required for insertion into my Bat Cave. So far so good. It sort of made me feel like I was desecrating a childhood storybook, these cups look a bit like the little hats on May Gibbs’ Gumnut Babies. Remember Snugglepot and Cuddlepie?
Emptying I knew would be a challenge, and as I was madly tugging on the pointed part, I realised I must be doing something incredibly wrong. So I waddled across the room with my pants around my ankles to grab the instructions. Sure enough, you are not meant to pull it out like a tampon, but “pinch” the end “bear down” and wiggle it out being careful not to spill the contents.
Well, I did pee on my hands during this exercise of extraction, but I was grateful that I didn’t look like a scene from “Carrie”. #blessed
You will not need to have skills like Tom Cruise in Cocktail (make mine a Bloody Mary) if you are careful, though I would hate to have a particularly heavy flow as for me, I couldn’t tell when it was time to empty it. Shit could get real. A little too real.
So, did it work? Yes. Was it difficult? Kind of.
While I believe these things take a bit of practice, I mercifully had a pretty easy time on my first go. Getting it out is another story…..you will need half your arm up there to remove it, though I am assured that after a few attempts will become much easier.
The instructions suggest putting it in and taking it out in the shower, so you’ve got some natural lubrication if you will. So I spent a hilarious 20 mins twerking in the shower trying to get the bastard thing back in. I realised after much swearing and stamping that there was something in the way.
A giant poop, courtesy of my performance anxiety during our weekend away.
Sorry for the TMI, but if you have 4 days of poop turtle heading and pressing onto your love tunnel, you are going to have a hard time getting anything up the vag.
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